Parenting Your 10th Grader

JUMP TO SECTION

The Phase when everyone else can… Nobody else has too… and your resolute teen will push you to answer, “Why not?”

ANTICIPATE NEW INDEPENDENCE

Sweet Sixteen means sweet freedom. Whether this is getting a driver’s license, getting a ride from a friend, or hopping in an Uber, your teenager may no longer depend on you for transportation. This year, you may constantly question just how much is too much freedom.

EXPECT SOME FRESH SKEPTICISM

With newfound freedom comes greater life experience. That really life-shattering bad thing you warned them about? They know someone who survived it. The standards you held up for them in the past? They may come to realize you haven’t always lived by them. So, get ready for them to challenge you on… well, just about everything.

KEEP FIGHTING FOR THEIR HEART

A sophomore still needs boundaries, but unless the boundaries make sense in light of their personal (and changing) beliefs, they won’t stay within them. Just remember, when you “debate” (loudly) boundaries with a sophomore, stay in the present. They aren’t challenging what you both want ten years from now, they just need you to understand what they need right now.

Love to Give

“Why should I believe?”

This is the one major question your tenth grader is asking. They feel comfortable navigating the hallways of high school, and they are ready for more. Tenth graders are expanding their life experience. They will push the limits. They might even rebel a little—even though you never did.

Even when tensions are high, remember—there are 156 weeks left. And this is an important year. The best way to love your tenth grader is to do one thing.

Mobilize their potential.

Your tenth grader will feel most loved when they are around people who help them discover their voice, their passion, and their values. You mobilize their potential when you communicate…

…I’m listening. Help me understand.

…I trust you, help me trust you more.

…You can always tell me, because I love you no matter what.

WAYS TO LOVE

-Pay attention to what they like. What does your tenth grader enjoy the most right now?

-Set appropriate boundaries. This will allow you to mobilize your tenth grader toward future freedom.

-Take time for yourself. It’s impossible to consistently love someone as challenging as your tenth grader unless you have a little time for yourself. How can you refuel each week to give your teen the love they need?

Books to Read

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
by Maya Angelou

Pride and Prejudice
by Jane Austen

A Long Way Gone
by Ishmael Beah

The Perks of Being a Wallflower
by Stephen Chbosky

The House on Mango Street
by Sandra Cisneros

The Hunt for Red October
by Tom Clancy

Hard Times
by Charles Dickens

Lord of the Flies
by William Golding

Looking for Alaska
by John Green

Unbroken
by Laura Hillenbrand

Les Miserables
by Victor Hugo

The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind
by William Kamkwamba and Bryan Mealer

A Separate Peace
by John Knowles

The Color of Water
by James McBride

1984
by George Orwell

The Scarlet Pimpernel
by Baroness Orczy

Of Mice and Men
by John Steinbeck

Wild
by Cheryl Strayed

Up From Slavery
by Booker T. Washington

The Book Thief
by Markus Zusak

Milestones to Achieve

Work your tenth grader can do:

Do homework

Babysit

Manage a personal calendar

Prepare a family meal

Sort, wash, fold, and put away laundry

Check oil and tire pressure in the car

Learn to jump start a car

Do simple home repairs

Get a first job

Help pay a personal bill

Fill out a W4, read a pay stub, and learn about taxes

Volunteer with kids or middle schoolers

Fun to Have

Ways to have fun with your tenth grader:

Watch a movie

Attend a sporting event

Go to a concert

Work out together

Play music together

Build something

Cook something

Go on a run

Go on a hike

Go shopping

Shoot some hoops

Work on car repairs

Get a manicure

Watch a TV series

Go to a play

Go fishing

Go bowling

Play laser tag

Have a restaurant that’s “yours”

Tray a new restaurant or food truck

Plant a garden

Play a board game

Play a video game

Play cards

Play a game on a phone app

Launch rockets

Learn to dance

Go to the lake

Ride a roller coaster

Go out for coffee

Go out for ice cream

Go see a comedian

Whatever you do together for fun, try to offer suggestions based on what they enjoy—even at the expense of what you might enjoy a little more.

Words to Speak

Good morning, I love you, tell me more, how can I help, what do you think, I’m sorry, I’m really proud when…, me too, you are starting to…, want a hug?, good night, you are beautiful/handsome, thank you for spending time with us, I like you, when you’re with your friends…

This year you will…

ENCOURAGE A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE

Maintain a good relationship with your pediatrician, and schedule a physical once per year. You can also improve your tenth grader’s habits with a few simple words.

Say things like…

Shave in the same direction the hair grows.

Fast weight loss isn’t really healthy.

Would you be interested in seeing a counselor/youth pastor to talk about that. (Teenagers often need counseling for emotional support and coaching.)

Have you ever tried Tzatziki Sauce?

Would you like to go on a run with me?

You don’t seem to be eating as much as you used to. (Pay attention to sudden changes in weight, appetite, clothing, interests, and behaviors.)

COACH THEM TOWARD HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

The tenth grade drive for personal experience influences the way many tenth graders experiment with dating and relationships. Like a good coach, pay close attention to the game. Be smart about how you guard your sophomore while still allowing them enough freedom to solidify personal boundaries.

Say things like…

Thank you for talking about this. Can we talk about it again another time?

Thank you for telling me.

I’m so glad you asked me.

How often do you still talk with your other friends?

What do you think about that? (Give them a safe place to process values with you.)

How do they make you feel about yourself?

If you ever feel like someone is wanting you to do something you don’t want to do, you could always say… (Help them script responses to difficult situations.)

Pay attention. Fifty percent of those who report having coerced someone else into sexual activity say they first forced someone when they were sixteen years old.

EXPAND THEIR POTENTIAL WITH TECHNOLOGY

Your tenth grader is online with 3.2 billion other people, or about 40% of the world’s current population. That’s a lot of potential. Potential to learn. Potential to share. Potential to collaborate for a cause. Stay actively engaged in all the ways your tenth grader explores the potential that is now literally at their fingertips.

Say things like…

I love that Kickstarter you shared.

I’m so impressed with your Etsy shop.

How do you set up a YouTube channel?

Let’s split the bill 80/20.

You cannot use your phone to text or call while driving. (Have clear expectations for cell phones and driving.)

Help me understand why. (Listen to their reasoning, and look for common ground.)

For help with how to manage phones at this phase, check out the free cell phone guide at ParentCue.org/CellPhoneGuide

FUEL A PASSION FOR JESUS

In this phase when your tenth grader is asking, “Why should I believe?” the best thing you can give them is a consistent faith community where they can process their doubts and strengthen their relationship with God. Stay engaged in their personal faith journey by having conversations at home.

Say things like…

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (Repeat simple Bible verses.)

Can we pray about this together?

How can I pray for you today?

When do you feel closes to God?

What’s something you feel like God is teaching you right now?

Lately, I’m finding I connect best with God when I’m…

There’s nothing you will ever do that could make God stop loving you.

When you told me about… it made me think of a verse in Proverbs. (Share Bible verses that relate to their present circumstances.)

I don’t know.

That’s a good question. I’m not sure I will ever know the full answer, but I believe…