Parenting Your 12th Grader

JUMP TO SECTION

The Phase when your emerging adult pulls away, gets closer, does things for the last time, and you both start asking, “What’s next?”

IF SIXTEEN IS “SWEET,” EIGHTEEN IS “LEGAL”

Your kid is no longer a kid. Technically speaking, they are responsible for themselves. (Of course, you may still have to pick up the pieces from time to time.) You will feel them pull away as they drive to a first job, deposit a paycheck, or register to vote.

THE COUNTDOWN CLOCK IS RUNNING FAST

You will probably feel urgency in these last 52 weeks. As a senior takes on more responsibility, they may also lean in relationally. They discover—especially late in the year—they need you a little bit more than they thought. All of a sudden, the decisions they face have very high stakes, like, “Will I date long distance?”

EVERYONE IS WONDERING, “WHAT’S NEXT?”

In fact, it can drive you both a little crazy. Your senior may mentally check-out of high school long before they feel certain about what they want to do with their future. Even the most accomplished seniors will take a few years (and maybe some counseling) to figure this adult thing out. For now, just remember to focus on the next few months more than the next “rest-of-your-life.”

Love to Give

“What will I do?”

This is the one major question your twelfth grader is asking. Graduation is a crisis—for both of you. Sure, it’s exciting. It’s a huge accomplishment. But something is about to change, and there’s a good chance you aren’t convinced they’re ready. They might not be. And whether they seem to show it or not, your senior is probably just as concerned about that as you.

It’s easy for senior year to become a negative feedback loop where your concern for their future escalates either their rebellion or their stress, or both. So relax. No senior is ready for the rest of their life. Your senior just needs for you to love them and to do one thing:

Mobilize their potential.

Help them prepare as best as possible for what’s coming next. When you mobilize your senior’s potential you communicate…

…I love you today.

…We can handle tomorrow.

…Let’s think together about your best next step.

WAYS TO LOVE

-Pay attention to what they like. What does your twelfth grader enjoy the most right now?

-Give them something significant to do. Suggest opportunities that will engage their interests.

-Help your twelfth grader set appropriate boundaries for themself.

-Take time for yourself. It’s impossible to consistently love someone as challenging as your eleventh grader unless you have a little time for yourself. How can you refuel each week to give your teen the love they need?

Books to Read

Things Fall Apart
by China Achebe

Do Over
by John Acuff

How to Win Friends and Influence People
by Dale Carnegie

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking
by Susan Cain

The Alchemist
by Paulo Coelho

The Red Tent
by Anita Diamant

Pillars of the Earth (Series)
by Ken Follett

Outliers
by Malcolm Gladwell

Crazy Love
by Frances Chan

A Time to Kill
by John Grisham

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years
by Donald Miller

Same Kind of Different as Me
by Ron Hall and Denver Moore

Siddhartha
by Herman Hesse

The Great Divorce
by C.S. Lewis

Angela’s Ashes
by Frank McCourt

Atonement
by Ian McEwan

The Bluest Eye
by Toni Morrison

Three Cups of Tea
by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin

Reading Lolita in Tehran
by Azar Nafisi

The Bell Jar
by Sylvia Plath

Milestones to Achieve

Work your twelfth grader can do:

Do homework

Manage a personal calendar

Prepare a meal plan, grocery list, and help cook family meals

Sort, wash, fold, and put away laundry

Run family errands

Make appointments

Register to vote

Get a part-time job or internship

Manage a budget

Help pay personal bills

Solidify a post-high school plan

Refine a skill: art, musical, technical, mechanical, or athletic

Fun to Have

Ways to have fun with your twelfth grader:

Watch a movie

Attend a sporting event

Go to a concert

Work out together

Play music together

Build something

Cook something

Go on a run

Go on a hike

Go shopping

Shoot some hoops

Work on car repairs

Get a manicure

Watch a TV series

Go to a play

Go fishing

Go bowling

Play laser tag

Have a restaurant that’s “yours”

Tray a new restaurant or food truck

Plant a garden

Play a board game

Play a video game

Play cards

Play a game on a phone app

Launch rockets

Learn to dance

Go to the lake

Ride a roller coaster

Go out for coffee

Go out for ice cream

Go see a comedian

Whatever you do together for fun, try to offer suggestions based on what they enjoy—even at the expense of what you might enjoy a little more.

Words to Speak

Good morning, I love you, tell me more, how can I help?, what do you think?, I’m sorry, I admire the way you…, I’m really proud when…, me too, I trust you, want a hug?, good night, you are beautiful/handsome, thank you for spending time with us, I like you, I know you will make good choices next year because…, that must be hard. How can I help?

This year you will…

ENCOURAGE A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE

Your senior still needs an annual physical, but it may be time to look for a new primary healthcare provider. Talk to your pediatrician and get a recommendation. When the time comes, make sure to get a copy of, and transfer, all medical records. You can also encourage your twelfth grader to develop healthy habits with a few simple words.

Say things like…

I bought more trail mix, and there’s some yogurt in the fridge.

Can I make you some eggs before you head out?

When can we have dinner together this week?

It might be good to take a study break and go on a walk. (Coach healthy stress-management.)

I’m not sure fast weight loss is really healthy.

COACH THEM TOWARD HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

The hardest thing about being a coach is that no matter how much you care about the players, you can’t control every play of the game. By now, you’ve probably discovered the same is true about parenting your senior. But like a good coach, you can help your senior refine a few skills that could promote sexual integrity.

Say things like…

Thank you for talking about this. Can we talk about it again another time?

Thank you for telling me.

I’m so glad you asked me.

No boyfriends on family vacations. (Don’t make future break-ups harder.)

Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?

Have you talked about whether you plan to stay together next year?

Even if he texts you that he’s here, invite him in to say hello. (Create opportunities for boyfriends/ girlfriends to connect with you.)

Do you want to be in a relationship next year? (Prompt conversations about their future hopes and plans.)

EXPAND THEIR POTENTIAL WITH TECHNOLOGY

As the clock runs down, and your senior moves further and further away, technology can be a great way to stay connected relationally. Learn how your senior uses technology to connect and leverage those platforms.

Say things like…

What’s the best way for me to talk to you during the day?

Look where I am today. I’m thinking about you! (Share pictures with each other.)

I’m so proud of you. Would it be okay if I post a picture to share your accomplishment?

Can I put your schedule in my calendar so I know what your week is like?

Saw this video and thought you might like it.

Can I see what you’ve been creating lately? (Show interest in everything from art to engineering to design to fan websites.)

FUEL A PASSION FOR JESUS

Your senior may be preparing to transition—not only out of their school and your home, but also potentially out of your church. When you talk with your senior about what’s next for them, include conversations about how they will find and serve in a faith community.

Say things like…

What did you think about your DNA group/the Sunday gathering?

Can we pray about this together?

How can I pray for you today?

When do you feel closes to God?

What’s something you feel like God is teaching you right now?

Lately, I’m finding I connect best with God when I’m…

There’s nothing you will ever do that could make God stop loving you.

When you told me about… it made me think of a verse in Proverbs. (Share Bible verses that relate to their present circumstances.)

I don’t know.

That’s a good question. I’m not sure I will ever know the full answer, but I believe…