Parenting Your 9th Grader

JUMP TO SECTION

The Phase when friendships shift, grades count, and interests change so often your teenager has to explain, “This is me now.”

YOU MAY NOTICE A FEW FRIENDS

The average high school has 750 teenagers, 250 dating couples, and more than 50 options for extracurricular activities. With so many opportunities to connect, your high schooler may find their place in engineering class or on the debate team, in drama club or on the basketball court, in PACE/ GT or Student Council.

THERE IS A NEW ACADEMIC REALITY

Ninth grade means increased demands for personal responsibility. For those headed to college, grades begin to count toward future admission. For everyone, grades count toward a high school diploma.

THIS IS A YEAR OF IDENTIFYING TALENTS

By the end of this year, your teenager will have a more stable sense of who they are. Frankly, they may be a little frustrated you haven’t known who they were all along. (Why not? It’s been so obvious.) Listen carefully. Pay attention. Stalk them openly. The greatest thing you can do in this phase is to continually rediscover who they are becoming and know where they are finding acceptance.

Love to Give

“Where do I belong?”

This is the one major question your ninth grader is asking. High school means higher stakes. Many freshmen spend this year redefining who they thought they were or what they thought their future would be.

The friends your ninth grader makes in the first weeks of high school may determine the direction of their next four years. The adult mentors who show up weekly in your ninth grader’s life may influence their perspective, decisions, and values. In order to give your ninth grader love, you need to do one thing

Mobilize their potential.

Your ninth grader will feel most loved when they find acceptance in a group of peers and adult mentors. So, mobilize their potential to find acceptance by…

…driving them where they need to go.

…inviting new friends to your home.

…helping your ninth grader discover new places to plug in.

WAYS TO LOVE

-Pay attention to who they like spending time with. Who are your ninth grader’s closest friends?

-Pay attention to what they like. What does your ninth grader enjoy the most right now?

-Take time for yourself. It’s impossible to consistently love someone as challenging as your ninth grader unless you have a little time for yourself. How can you refuel each week to give your teen the love they need?

Books to Read

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy
by Douglas Adams

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants
by Ann Brashares

The Awakening
by Kate Chopin

Great Expectations
by Charles Dickens

Alas, Babylon
by Pat Frank

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
by Mark Haddon

Catch-22
by Joseph Heller

The Iliad & The Odyssey
by Homer

Their Eyes Were Watching God
by Zora Neale Hurston

Brave New World
by Aldous Huxley

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
by Ken Kesey

The Poinsonwood Bible
by Barbara Kingsolver

To Kill a Mockingbird
by Harper Lee

Animal Farm
by George Orwell

Anthem
by Ayn Rand

Romeo and Juliet
by Shakespeare

Frankenstein
by Mary Shelley

The Help
by Kathryn Stockett

Night
by Elie Wiesel

Milestones to Achieve

Work your ninth grader can do:

Do homework

Keep a personal calendar

Mow lawns

Babysit

Take out the trash

Prepare a family meal

Sort, wash, fold, iron and put away laundry

Open a savings account

Change batteries in a smoke detector

Use a jigsaw with assistance

Practice a sport, musical instrument, art, or other skill

Fun to Have

Ways to have fun with your ninth grader:

Watch a movie

Attend a sporting event

Go to a concert

Work out together

Play music together

Build something

Cook something

Go on a run

Go on a hike

Go shopping

Shoot some hoops

Work on car repairs

Get a manicure

Watch a TV series

Go to a play

Go fishing

Go bowling

Play laser tag

Have a restaurant that’s “yours”

Tray a new restaurant or food truck

Plant a garden

Play a board game

Play a video game

Play cards

Play a game on a phone app

Launch rockets

Learn to dance

Go to the lake

Ride a roller coaster

Go out for coffee

Go out for ice cream

Go see a comedian

Whatever you do together for fun, try to offer suggestions based on what they enjoy—even at the expense of what you might enjoy a little more.

Words to Speak

Good morning, I love you, tell me more, how can I help, what do you think, I’m sorry, I’m really proud when…, me too, you are starting to…, want a hug?, good night, you are beautiful/handsome, thank you for spending time with us, I like you, when you’re with your friends…

This year you will…

ENCOURAGE A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE

Maintain a good relationship with your pediatrician, and schedule a physical once per year. You can also improve your ninth grader’s habits with a few simple words.

Say things like…

Sometimes you have to pause to see if you are feeling hungry, thirsty, tired, or anxious.

Would you be interested in seeing a counselor to talk about that?

God made my body the way it is. And, I’ve learned to like how I look.

When was the last time you drank some water?

Will you shoot some hoops with me?

You can’t be in marching band and the school play at the same time.

You can’t replace sleep with energy drinks.

COACH THEM TOWARD HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Over 70% of high schoolers say they have dated, and 30% of ninth graders report being sexually active. So, regardless of your ninth grader’s relationship status, your conversations about sex and dating will become much less theoretical in this phase and the phases to come.

Say things like…

Thank you for talking about this. Can we talk about it again another time?

Thank you for telling me.

I’m so glad you asked me.

Honor God with your body.

If you ever feel pressured to do something you don’t want to do, you could always say… (Help them script responses to difficult situations.)

Guard your heart.

Don’t give someone control of your life.

What kind of friend is Peyton? (Stay interested in their relationships and ask follow-up questions.)

Plan ahead. By the beginning of ninth grade, 30% of teens report being sexually active.

EXPAND THEIR POTENTIAL WITH TECHNOLOGY

The content your ninth grader posts online may be even more permanent than the permanent record of school grades and disciplinary infractions. Before granting your ninth grader more access, have a few conversations about the platforms they use and how they can be potentially helpful or harmful.

Say things like…

How do you use Spotify? (Know what apps they have and how they use them.)

Can you set up a playlist for me?

Have you seen people do or say things online they would never do or say in person? Why do you think that happens? (Cue conversations to reflect on how people use digital devices.)

How do you think in-person relationships are affected by what people say online?

What you post is public, even if it feels private, and it can be permanent. (Help them recognize potential risks related to the words, images, and videos they create.)

Who’s your favorite person to follow? (Discover who they are listening to online.)

What are some freedoms I have online that you don’t have yet? (Discuss plans for increasing freedom and responsibility over the next four years.)

For help with how to manage phones at this phase, check out the free cell phone guide at ParentCue.org/CellPhoneGuide

FUEL A PASSION FOR JESUS

In this phase when your ninth grader is asking, “Where do I belong?” foster their connection to a positive faith community. Your ninth grader will need consistent peers and mentors who will strengthen their relationship with God. So look for ways to prioritize their church connection, and stay engaged in their faith journey by having conversations at home.

Say things like…

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (Repeat simple Bible verses.)

Can we pray about this together?

How can I pray for you today?

When do you feel closes to God?

What’s something you feel like God is teaching you right now?

Lately, I’m finding I connect best with God when I’m…

There’s nothing you will ever do that could make God stop loving you.

When you told me about… it made me think of a verse in Proverbs. (Share Bible verses that relate to their present circumstances.)

I don’t know.

That’s a good question. I’m not sure I will ever know the full answer, but I believe…