Parenting Your 11th Grader

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The Phase when there’s less drama, more stress, and your very busy teenager answers all your questions with, “Just trust me.”

YOUR JUNIOR MAY IMPRESS YOU

The rapid influx of hormones has regulated, the fight for peer acceptance has subsided, and the intensity of conflict over independence… well, they’ve worn you down. You may begin to see glimpses of rationality as your junior finds their voice, fills their calendar, and accomplishes surprising things.

“ACCOMPLISH” IS THE WORD FOR THIS PHASE

Juniors often take on AP courses, volunteer activities, leadership roles, ACT prep, or an internship. Whether you teen is caught up in the race to win, or simply trying to survive, junior year is filled with pressure. Navigating all of this pressure is your junior’s major accomplishment.

IT CAN BE HARD TO KEEP UP

Actually, they don’t expect you to keep up. What they really want is for you to trust them. After all, they will be out of the house soon, and you will have to trust them anyway. Let this be a practice year for both of you. Help them prove the ways they can be trusted, choose your battles wisely, and parent them in the areas that seem to be the most challenging for them personally.

Love to Give

“How can I matter?”

This is the one major question your eleventh grader is asking. Your junior is ready to live the life they feel they were born to live—and they don’t want to wait to get started. Two years is too long! Actually, next semester feels like forever in the future. Your junior is ready to do something, right now.

Your eleventh grader gravitates toward experiences that will enrich their life story. Guide and encourage their self-expression by helping them find positive experiences. But you may also want to monitor their level of stress and activity. You love your junior best when you do one thing:

Mobilize their potential.

Your eleventh grader will feel most loved when they feel like they have the trust and respect of someone who values their present circumstances. If you want to mobilize their potential, look for opportunities to communicate…

…I trust you.

…I am for you.

…I love you no matter what.

WAYS TO LOVE

-Pay attention to what they like. What does your eleventh grader enjoy the most right now?

-Give them something significant to do. Suggest opportunities that will engage their interests.

-Help your eleventh grader set appropriate boundaries for themself.

-Take time for yourself. It’s impossible to consistently love someone as challenging as your eleventh grader unless you have a little time for yourself. How can you refuel each week to give your teen the love they need?

Books to Read

Uncle Tom’s Cabin
by Harriet Beecher Stowe

Girl with a Pearl Earring
by Tracy Chevalier

Heart of Darkness
by Joseph Conrad

Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass
by Frederick Douglass

Invisible Man
by Ralph Ellison

The Great Gatsby
by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Grendel
by John Gardner

A Raisin in the Sun
by Lorrainne Hansberry

The Scarlet Letter
by Nathaniel Hawthorne

A Farewell to Arms
by Ernest Hemingway

The Kite Runner
by Khaled Hosseini

A Prayer for Owen Meany
by John Irving

The Screwtape Letters
by C.S. Lewis

The Life of Pi
by Yann Martel

The Crucible
by Arthur Miller

The Lovely Bones
by Alice Sebold

The Art of Racing in the Rain
by Garth Stein

The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
by J.R.R. Tolkien

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
by Mark Twain

The Color Purple
by Alice Walker

Milestones to Achieve

Work your eleventh grader can do:

Do homework

Babysit

Manage a personal calendar

Prepare a meal plan, grocery list, and help cook family meals

Sort, wash, fold, and put away laundry

Run family errands

Make appointments

Change a flat tire

Get a part-time job or internship

Manage a budget

Open a checking account

Research post-high school options

Refine a skill: art, musical, technical, mechanical, or athletic

Fun to Have

Ways to have fun with your eleventh grader:

Watch a movie

Attend a sporting event

Go to a concert

Work out together

Play music together

Build something

Cook something

Go on a run

Go on a hike

Go shopping

Shoot some hoops

Work on car repairs

Get a manicure

Watch a TV series

Go to a play

Go fishing

Go bowling

Play laser tag

Have a restaurant that’s “yours”

Tray a new restaurant or food truck

Plant a garden

Play a board game

Play a video game

Play cards

Play a game on a phone app

Launch rockets

Learn to dance

Go to the lake

Ride a roller coaster

Go out for coffee

Go out for ice cream

Go see a comedian

Whatever you do together for fun, try to offer suggestions based on what they enjoy—even at the expense of what you might enjoy a little more.

Words to Speak

Good morning, I love you, tell me more, how can I help?, what do you think?, I’m sorry, I admire the way you…, I’m really proud when…, me too, I trust you, want a hug?, good night, you are beautiful/handsome, thank you for spending time with us, I like you, I’m listening.

This year you will…

ENCOURAGE A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE

Maintain a good relationship with your pediatrician, and schedule a physical once per year. You can also improve your eleventh grader’s habits with a few simple words.

Say things like…

I bought more trail mix, and there’s some yogurt in the fridge.

Can I make you some eggs before you head out?

When can we have dinner together this week?

It might be good to take a study break and go on a walk. (Coach healthy stress-management.)

I’m not sure fast weight loss is really healthy.

COACH THEM TOWARD HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Whether your eleventh grader dates casually (someone new every few weeks), isn’t dating, or they’ve found the one true love of their life, romance is part of the upperclassman scene. Stay aware and curious not only about your own kid, but also about your kid’s friends and peers. Talk about sex and dating.

Say things like…

Thank you for talking about this. Can we talk about it again another time?

Thank you for telling me.

I’m so glad you asked me.

What are your favorite things about him/her? (If your eleventh grader is dating, ask questions to help them think objectively about the relationship.)

Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?

Do you think he is good for her? (Let your eleventh grader talk with you about their friends’ relationships—you might learn a lot.)

If you ever feel pressured to do something you don’t want to do, you could always say… (Help them script responses to difficult situations.)

Pay attention. Nearly 30% of high schooler are NOT dating. If your eleventh grader isn’t interested in dating, what are a few ways you can help them develop and deepen healthy friendships?

EXPAND THEIR POTENTIAL WITH TECHNOLOGY

Technology is best used when it helps us connect. Or, stated another way: every digital device is a platform that can improve the way we respect ourselves and love others. That’s what makes technology especially wonderful in this phase—your eleventh grader is ready to do something that matters, right now. So encourage them to use technology for good.

Say things like…

What do you think about online classes?

It would help me to share our calendars so we can coordinate meals.

Did you know we could write letters to our Compassion child online? (Find ways to use technology to connect to a global mission.)

Can you help me set up a Caring Bridge for Mrs. Margaret? (Leverage technology to serve and care for friends, neighbors, and family.)

Can I see what you’ve been creating lately?

FUEL A PASSION FOR JESUS

In this phase, your eleventh grader is asking, “How can I matter?” A faith community can help them find significance by giving them opportunities to give, serve, and love others. Your eleventh grader will never get over seeing how God can work through them in meaningful ways. Encourage their personal faith journey by having conversations at home.

Say things like…

“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (Repeat familiar Bible verses.)

What did you think about your DNA group/the Sunday gathering?

Can we pray about this together?

How can I pray for you today?

When do you feel closes to God?

What’s something you feel like God is teaching you right now?

Lately, I’m finding I connect best with God when I’m…

There’s nothing you will ever do that could make God stop loving you.

When you told me about… it made me think of a verse in Proverbs. (Share Bible verses that relate to their present circumstances.)

I don’t know.

That’s a good question. I’m not sure I will ever know the full answer, but I believe…